Day 9

Urg....

I had to take a morning class and it did. not. go. well.

My brain woke up pretty quickly this morning, which is new and likely yoga related. I feel more clear headed in general these days, so it seems reasonable that waking up better would follow. So that was good.

However. I am not a morning person. Not even close. I didn't want to get up this morning one bit and my body was stiff and crackly from the second I got up right through class. My back was having no part of any stupid yoga. So a lot of things hurt, and when things hurt I don't breathe right and when I don't breathe right I get tired and when I get tired I yawn and keep breathing wrong and start to feel lightheaded and hate hate hate that I am wasting a practice.

So I have to remind myself that my body is where it is, and it's not a waste if I am doing what I can. At the very least I knew that my back would feel better once class was over, and feel better it does. I am still recovering. I need to eat and then I will start to feel better.

The good news, though, is that even given what a shambles of a practice it was, I can see that my balance is getting stronger. All of my concentration series is holding a little bit more steady, a little bit tighter, a little bit longer. Yesterday I actually noticed that in Standing Bow when I fell out of the pose I fell forward for the first time, rather than to the side or back. It seems little, but it's a pretty big milestone for me.

During the final savasana, the teacher read a quotation that she has read many times before. I could practically recite it. For some reason I felt the sting of tears the moment she started it. I feel like I should include it here, so here you go. It's one written by Marianne Willamson, for Nelson Mandela's inaugural speech.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are younot to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

I have to take the morning class again tomorrow, so be thinking graceful, wakeful thoughts for me as you are getting moving in the morning! I need all the help I can get, believe me.

I hope that you are not too terribly cold, wherever you are. We are looking for snow tonight which I hope we will not get. I hope you have lots of hot cocoa and ways to stay warm until all this horrible cold moves on! Be safe, and I will see you in the morning!

Day 8

First, I got new tires today! Hooray! I will no longer have to be afraid I am going to die every day I get into the car.

We had a new-to-me teacher for class today and I truly loved her. She was calm, even toned, encouraging and she gave me the tiniest correction ("tara, you want to flex your toes toward you") that made all the difference in the world to me today. I am at a point where I am longing for corrections, so it was more than welcome. Not only was it welcome, but it made every single posture go a bit deeper, it made me want to do everything better.

My body is tired. There is a deep sort of ache in my lower back, my hips, my thighs. But I feel good. I don't feel like quitting. I feel like I am doing just the right thing, in spite of the weariness.

And now, I am going out to dinner with my super hot husband. Mostly because we are hungry. Partly in celebration of the fact that on Day 8 I am definitely into uncharted yoga territory. It's all new stuff from here on out.

the difference between thinking and knowing (Day 7)

Once upon a time I had an on again off again relationship with a lovely man whom I always stayed friends with when we were off again. We had pretty much the same circle of friends and his house was where we all spent a lot of time, so during off again time I would occasionally miss some gossip here or there. At one point I knew that one of my girlfriends was there a lot whether or not anyone else was there. I was pretty sure that they were doing it, but who was I to care when I was the one constantly taking off? I was okay with it. I loved them both and they got their needs met with each other for a little while. So why should I care?

Well. I was okay with it until he told me about it much later on. Suddenly knowing for sure made it into a bit of a betrayal and, selfish and silly as it was, regardless of the fact that it had no bearing on anything anymore, it stung. A lot.

The Vet called me today just as I pulled into the parking lot of the yoga studio. I knew what she was calling to say, but when someone is saying Neoplastic, and Bad, and Malignant Melanoma and It Really Can't Wait Long about your dog (your baby best friend hero the only thing that will ever save you from the monsters when you are defenseless in the shower), well.

Knowing for sure makes your mouth go all dry and your stomach hurt a little. And even though you know that your husband's habit of rubbing the dog's fur backwards means he saw the spot very early and she is going to be just fine as soon as they punch out those two spots, well, it feels really horrible. Horrible to know that her little body has betrayed her yet again. Horrible to know that she has to have surgery and be alone and afraid and in pain yet again. Horrible to have to wonder if this is it or if we are going to have to keep watching for moles forever. Horrible knowing that we will, even if we don't have to.

She is my whole world. I mean, Gabe is cool and all, but Lilith... Lilith is the reason I know what really Big Love is. I just cannot describe the bond that this fat ugly dog and I have. The very thought of having to live with out her terrifies me.

So yoga...? Not a great class. I was pretty distracted. I got some more work done on the never ending sleeve this morning, so I was pretty tired and then I got that call. But I went. I stayed in the room. I didn't sit anything out. So I suppose it was a success.

Day 6

The vet called them "aggressive cells" and sent slidesto a lab for a more detailed opinion. Basically, what I heard was that is definitely is some sort of cancer, and the pathology will let us know how fast we have to move in getting the spots removed. She did tell me not to worry too much because we caught it so quickly. I am, surprisingly, following that advice. It's what I expected to hear, so I suppose I am more disappointed that I didn't get a miracle than devastated that my dog has skin cancer. I have told her a million times to stop going to the tanning bed but she just won't listen.

I will let you know what and when it happens. In the meantime, flip as I sound about it, I would appreciate any healthy thoughts you can send the little beast. She is my best friend, after all, and the thought of life without her makes me want to curl up and die.

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Class this afternoon was super full, so it was fun. Who would have thought I would learn to love super full classes so much? But I have!

I wasn't feeling well this morning, so I expected class to be tough. I had a hard time getting warmed up because I was a bit less hydrated than I ideally like to be. I fell a lot, but kept on trying instead of getting disgusted with myself like I normally do. I am making huge progress with triangle pose. I finally have some of the inner thigh strength that I need to do the pose as properly as I can with my misaligned body. It's really exciting to be able to feel the right things working, and to know how to go farther.

I also have gotten my heels in one line during standing separate leg head to knee without losing my balance! I still have to keep hands on the floor to keep my balance, but I used to have to move the heel out or I would fall. Still can't lock the knee, but it will come.

I'm a little emotional today. I finally set some writing goals for myself, which is Kind Of a Big Deal. It's even more of a Big Deal that I have already followed through with some of them. One of the women I practice yoga with is going through a horrible time with her older dog. The dog is very sick and they can't figure out what is wrong with her. Watching them go through all that, and now Lilith? It's been a bit of a tough day on the emotional end of things.

As far as yoga is concerned, I have been keeping myself open to the idea of stretching my 30 days into a 60 day challenge. Today I am pretty sure that I want to do that. But today it has only been six days. I am fairly certain that next week I will feel differently. Heck, tomorrow I might feel differently!

Day 5

It is so cold outside I can't even believe it. You northerners and Canadians will laugh at me, but we are looking at a solid week of temperatures below freezing. It just doesn't get that cold here. Maybe for a day or two, but not for a week. 26 for a daytime temperature is ridiculous for us.

So there will be frozen pipes and people freezing to death, cars breaking down, heating units failing all over the place. I'm wondering if we won't have at least one person drown trying to walk on a slightly frozen lake. I am sure that there will be frozen toes from kids falling into creeks. And for me? It means that I just want to stay home under a blanket with some hot chocolate and a book. It makes it very hard to want to do anything at all.

The hot yoga room is dreamy and wonderful, and it is the only time my fingers and toes are not little ice cubes. Leaving the hot yoga room is horrendous. Awful. Painful. Going outside is torture after being so warm and comfortable.

Today's class started out pretty well, then in the second hands to feet part of half moon my left hip cracked so loudly and so completely that it was terrifying. I actually felt my weight shift with it. It was painless, but I was still a bit afraid to stand up. I was tentative with the balancing postures, because I kept expecting pain in that hip. There was none, but my balance was still for crap. I fell out of every balancing posture except balancing stick. Then I realized I hadn't eaten lunch, which might be making me weak, and I settled in for a long, difficult class.

But then I rocked triangle pose. I felt like I held it to the best of my ability. My feet didn't slide, my hips stayed as far forward as I can get them, I could feel a stretch. I expected to fall down in the second set, but it was just as strong.

Teetered a bit in Tree, but managed to hold it in spite of letting the people behind me distract me. Floor was pretty incredible. I can feel my flexibility expanding after only five days, which is pretty darn cool. Left class happy and exhausted.

Tomorrow Lilith goes to the vet about her possible melanoma, then I have the day off until class starts at 4:30. I'm looking forward to another lazy day and hoping the news from the vet will be good. I hope your Monday is peaceful.

Sunday Tidbit

There are new words now that excuse everybody. Give me the good old days of heroes and villains, the people you can bravo or hiss. There was a truth to them that all the slick credulity of today cannot touch.

~Bette Davis

Day 4

Finally the holidays are over and I can return to normal classes! Those two morning classes in a row kicked my butt. I am going to have to do a few more morning classes during the course of this challenge, but not for a little while and I really cannot tell you how happy I am for that!

Today was a good class. I was having trouble with the left leg again, but my back seems to be much better. I am wondering if the back pain wasn't because Lilith slept on me in an abnormal way one night. The spot that was hurting was exactly where she was laying on me, so it is possible that I hadn't strained anything at all, just that I had FatDogLaidOnMyBackikus. My right foot still has a twinge in it, and that ankle has been troublesome. That is the one I sprained so severely a few years back, so I am still hopeful that it is scar tissue breaking up.

I feel like I held all my poses pretty well. The balancing stuff was tough, but that comes and goes for me, so it was no huge surprise. I realized at about fifteen minutes till the end of class that I hadn't noticed myself yawning in a few classes, so I must be breathing better. Then I promptly started yawning!

What was not good at all was that I found myself clenching my jaw all the way through class. I am a stress clencher, to the point where I have cracked teeth from clenching at night. I never know that I am doing it until I relax it and it hurts. Never. Even once I am aware I am doing it I still don't notice that I am clenching until I relax.

I am not stressed. Money is coming, family is healthy, bills are paid, jobs are stable, marriage is solid, friends are darlings, holidays are over. The only concern I have right now is that spot on Lilith's back that is likely skin cancer. She goes to the vet Monday for that, and I am confident that it will be No Big Deal. So why I am clenching my jaw during yoga of all things, I cannot figure out. But my jaw aches, and I know that ache all too well.