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I have been thinking a lot lately about the sort of person I am, as opposed to the sort of person I want to be. In some ways the two are similar, but in some ways I fall pitifully short. I have wondered who I would be if I had been parented differently, if I had been the sort of child who was capable of soaking up the love I was given instead of asking for more, if I had not pittered away my twenties doing nothing but getting myself into trouble.
I've been trying to focus on the sort of person I would like to be, and making a conscious effort to move toward being that person. I have known one or two people in my life who are just the kindest, happiest, most energizing people. The sort that you cannot help but be happy around. The sort that never complain and always find the positive side. The sort that are kind to everyone, who treat everyone equally.
I want very much to never complain, though I am a complainer. I want to be able to be kind to everyone, even though half the time I am fantasizing about kicking them. I want to be able to treat everyone I meet as if they are the most important person in the world, even if I would rather be anywhere but talking to them. I want to bring joy into this world, and not just add to the selfishness and grumbling that is ever present.
I can honestly say that I have no idea how I come across to other people. I hope that I don't seem as awkward and weird as I feel. I hope that I don't whine about as much as I feel like I do. I hope that people don't think I am negative and grumbly. I hope that I can inspire one or two people in this lifetime, and that I leave the world with an imprint that was positive. But I really don't know if I will ever be able to be the person that I imagine I want to be.
How about you? Are you where you want to be? Are you who you thought you were? If you really look, do you see the person that you meant to be?
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
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5 comments:
For the most part, I'm who I want to be and where I want to be. Sometimes I step outside of myself and try to look at how I come across to others, and I think (hope) that for the most part, it's pretty similar to how I come across to myself.
Of course, there are still things I could be better at. And I'm probably not working as hard as I should be to improve those things. Perhaps that's the first thing I need to improve.
I think the person you want to be is an always evolving place. Sure, I'm happy where I am now. But, there are some tweaks I'd like to make to be a better person. And as the world around me changes, my expectations of who I want to be will change, too. To say you're 100% happy with who you are? Well, I think that stagnant place is dangerous because that's when we become too comfortable with who we are and also become much less open to change in ourselves and the world around us.
Generally, no, I'm not happy with where/who I am right now. Which sucks to write, but there it is.
Some of it is stuff I can absolutely change but just lack the willpower to have done it already. Some of it is stuff I'll probably have to work a little harder to figure out.
A lot of childhood stuff has been kind of held up in front of my face lately, so I've been wondering a lot of the same things, Tara. Weird.
Your timing is always impeccable -- talking about things when I'm thinking about them!
It's just been the past week or so when I've realized I (mostly) have the sort of life I've always imagined for myself. Do I have as much money as I'd hoped? No. Am I famous? No, again. But when I was a teen-ager I always wanted to be this free spirit of a woman, someone who was sure of herself and confident, who didn't take crap from anyone but also was fundamentally kind and compassionate.
Maybe I'm a little full of myself (or maybe not), but I think I'm most of those things today. There are still moments when I'm not the person I want to be, but I think that's part of life -- we all have our moments, right?
Then again, check with me tomorrow, and I might be back on the pity pot. Namaste.
I don't know. I don't think so. I think I'm kind of floundering around it, and I have trouble even defining who it is I want to be, exactly.
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